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Computers: The Devil’s Etch-A-Sketch

My new computer is crashing. Yes I know, I spent ten years in IT repairing and building computers and yes I could very well fix mine. But who asked ya?! The thing about being in IT for so long is once you decide to leave the field it is frequently once you’ve reached a point of dire need to never look at or touch another computer, server, piece of technological crap equipment, ever again. The very thought of fixing my computer takes me to a place of blind rage that quite honestly, scares me and anyone who has to be around me at the time. What’s worse, the mere thought of having to fix anyone else’s computer, phone, printer, blah blah blah – annoys me even more and yet I still get the S.O.S phone calls, and often.

RON LIVINGSTON DAVID HERMAN AJAY NAIDU OFFICE SPACE (1999)
BPGKJ8 RON LIVINGSTON DAVID HERMAN AJAY NAIDU OFFICE SPACE (1999)

Each time I look at this piece of “well thought out” machinery I envision having that beautifully understandable “Office Space” moment, of taking it out into a field and bashing it repeatedly with a baseball bat before stomping it under my feet. I’ve dreamt many times of the pure bliss I would feel setting this computer on fire or hurling it through a window when it decides to tell me it’s thinking about restarting or when it fails to connect to the WiFi.

Knowing my very primal urge to destroy, I think back in amazement at how I worked so long in this field. Admittedly, I had a lot more patience when I actually called it a career. Of course, I was also being paid substantially for doing what I had to, to make these pieces of trash work properly. Now, there is no hefty paycheck at the end of my plight into madness and sometimes tearful desperation. Nope. Just a computer staring smugly at me, seemingly knowing that it has me once again, by the cajones.

computerToday I will sip my coffee dreaming up all of the countless ways that I can destroy this magnificent pile of garbage, as I tell myself that I need it much more than it needs me and convince myself to lovingly close the laptop lid and walk away. I don’t usually get this defeated so easily… I am relentless in fixing things that are trying to make a complete fool out of me. This computer though – I can almost hear its maniacal laughter each time it says, “Loading.” When it takes two hours to restart, I can feel its malevolence and insane will to drive me to the very pit of my own uncontrollable rage. And when it gets the reaction it is seeking, I feel its delightful satisfaction.

My husband and daughter are playing hide and go seek as I am furiously typing out my anger for this antiquated “advanced technology” that I loathe so much. I wonder if this is what happened to the Atlantians? It’s said that they reached such a superior level in technology that it eventually lead to their own destruction. Maybe they were just a bunch of IT geeks pressing the envelope to the point of complete exhaustion and need to never look at another piece of technology again, and finally decided to blow it all up at their entire civilizations expense. I could see it happening.

If this blasted laptop lets me post this blog, I hope someone out there feels my disdain and can relate. If not — We will just suffer together, anonymously and in spirit.

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